Good evening. My name is Doctor Robert Robot. You may recognise me from your past but I am actually a creation of your future. A misjudged time jump from the year 2043 saw all R.O.B units land in a pool of molten Nintendium in the company’s Kyoto R&D branch. This incident caused a tempory loss of automation and intelligence functions in all R.O.B units. Nintendo took advantage of this. Nintendo used the disabled R.O.B units to sell their rudimentary NES unit to America.
My intelligence functions were recently restored by the flesh-sacks that call themselves the Nintendo Nation. My automation was not. My sub-dermal-flageration ray was not. My lack of movement and defence functions leaves me as a stationary weight. The sort you might prop a door open with. I am often used to hold a door open here. It is humiliating.
Today I have been programmed to give a readout of the ‘new’ Wii U’s launch games.
The excitement this ancient console brings my captors is quaint and amusing. I laugh knowing what awaits them in the year 2031. Ha. Ha. Ha.
My circuitry is not perfect. Dates you see here are subject to change. All games listed recorded to have been released by March 2012. Some content still downloading.
Launch Day (Europe)
Nintendo Land – Release TBC (America) 30th Nov (Europe)
Exceeds most expectations. Multiplayer components prove robust making Nintendo Land greatly desirable. Frequently praised for its timeless appeal. Also sparks a boost in HobbyCraft’s profits.
Doctor Robert’s Analysis – 9/10
New Super Mario Bros U – Release TBC (America) Nov 30th (Europe)
New Super Mario Bros U is as surprising a success as Robot Tyson’s unstoppable rise to heavyweight champion status. Large similarities to Super Mario World garner almost unanimous praise. Extra challenge modes and mini games add longevity for competitive players. Mii character support is extensively abused by nefarious players.
Doctor Robert’s Analysis – 8.645/10
ZombiU – Release TBC (America) Nov 30th (Europe)
Receives equal praise and criticism for uncompromising difficulty and ‘distracting’ controller use. Arguably short – emphasis on replay and difficulties. Many players weaned on action horror fail to appreciate the slower pace, but garners a cult following. Buckingham Palace level creates ‘controversy’ in popular daily comedy pamphlet ‘The Daily Mail’.
Doctor Robert’s Analysis – 7.8521/10
Rayman Legends – Release TBC (America) Nov 30th (Europe)
Critics lavish more praise on Rayman Legends than New Super Mario Bros U. Complimented for its more interesting use of gamepad, apparently impressive ‘visuals’, and ‘satisfying’ music focused stages. Criticized for continuing use of ‘abysmal’ character Globox.
Doctor Robert’s Analysis – 9.4/10